An Argument
by LuminaCarina
Summary: Two thirty-year-olds dating is the perfect breeding ground for arguments. - 'I will kill you. I will rip out your spleen and prepare it in a pie with lemon sauce. Then I'll feed it to you.'


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter**

**Written for the Great Maze Competition! **

**''****Write about a boyfriend/girlfriend giving their boyfriend/girlfriend a note.'' Yeah, this one got a bit out of control. But still, I think it turned out okay.**

''Do we _have_ to do this?''

''Yes, now stop being a baby. It doesn't befit you.''

''Oh, and you would know what befits me. What kind of word is '_befit'_, anyway? Who says that?''

''I do. Now shut up before I smack you so hard your _mother_ will feel it.''

''That's abuse, you can't do that! And what problem do you have with my mother? She's only ever been nice to you, even when you-''

''What was that?''

''Nothing, nothing.''

'_'__Really_? Because I thought I heard you say something about me and your _mother_.''

''I didn't say anything, honest, though maybe I should have! Why do you always use that tone of voice when talking about my mother? She's a brilliant woman, she raised me _and_ my brother all by herself, even when father left her, and she's been through _so_ much even _without_ counting the war, and-''

''Yes, yes, do be sweet and shut up, will you? I've heard that speech a hundred times, and I know it by heart by now. And stop fidgeting so much! _Merlin_, can't you stand still for a moment?''

''This is so humiliating. Why do _I_ have to be the one to do this? Can't you?''

''No. And what did I say about talking?''

''Yeah, yeah. But still. I haven't been this embarrassed since New Year's Eve. I think this might even be worse. In comparison, that is. Do you know what that means? Can you get _how bad_ that is?''

'_'__Shut up_! Good God, one would say I was pushing needles up your fingernails! This is a simple, nice, respectable occasion, in a highly recommended establishment, _and you will not ruin this for me_. You hear that? I won't let you.''

''Well. I never. It's your fault for doing this? I mean, who cares if I'm wearing a tie? It's not like anyone will know.''

''I will know. _Me_. I will know, and so help me, but I will leave you if you keep acting like this. You hear me, you dim-witted monkey? I _want_ this evening. I want it like I've never wanted anything in my life. I never ask for-''

''Yeah, right.''

''_I will kill you_. I will rip out your spleen and prepare it in a pie with lemon sauce. Then I'll feed it to you.''

''You keep threatening me. I'm starting to think you aren't very happy with me. Do you want to stay at home tonight and just relax? Maybe read a book, take a hot bath? I'm sure it'll help you.''

''… Eight, nine, ten. Okay. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Right. Where is your tie?''

''Um… The attic? I think.''

''You think.''

''Yup.''

''_Why_ is it in the attic?''

''Well, I don't know for sure if it's in the attic, but I'm pretty certain I saw it there the last time.''

''When was this last time?''

''Well, when did Teddy and Vickie get married? I think I wore it then. Maybe? Kind of? Yeah, that sounds about right.''

''You last saw your tie _thirteen years ago_?! What is wrong with you? I swear to God, you moron, I'm leaving you the second I stop feeling bad about it. 'Cause, I mean, how would you survive without me? You'd die the first time walked out of the house.''

''I would not! I'm more than capable of taking care of myself, thank you very much.''

''Of course you are. Now, do you have any other tie we can use?''

''Huh. No, I don't think so. There was just that one.''

''I see. And you have _no idea_ where it is. Did you lose it?''

''No, of course not! I just, misplaced it.''

''Well, go look for it then! I have to get dressed, this dress takes time to get in. It _is_ a new one. Had it been my old one, you know, it would be a piece of cake. But _no_, that one just had to be ruined in a… what was it you said? A life or death battle?''

''Hey, it's not like I _completely_ messed it up! It was just a bit of blood. Nothing a wash couldn't have fixed. And I don't want to go look for my tie, it's gone. Whoosh. Like that, that, that mushy film you made me watch. The one with the creepy old dude and the red lady.''

''_Gone with the wind_? There was nothing creepy about anyone in there. And what do you know about washing dresses? The only place that knows how to deal with monster guts is the one where _you_ wash your stuff. I couldn't send my dress _there_! And stop being melodramatic and go find your tie!''

''I _can't_ find it! It's like a yeti. There have been sightings, but no proof. And what is so special about a dress anyway?''

''It was a shimmery, silver, sheer silk dress that left my back bare. It was every woman's wet dream. We _maim_ for those things, you know. This one is half the quality and twice the price. I used your account to pay for it, just so you know.''

''Well it looks the same to me.''

''Had you said that to any other girl but me, you would be getting a lesson on the _exact_ differences between them. As it's me you're talking to, I'll just demonstrate.''

''Whoa, woman, put that back where it was! We don't want any accidents here! The jury won't care how difficult I was, it's still be ruled as murder!''

''I'm not trying to kill you, idiot! I'm trying to show you-''

''Well, don't. What would your brother say if you killed me, even by accident?''

''He'd congratulate me for finally realising how much more I deserve. And fine. I guess you'll just have to go through life not knowing the difference between good quality clothes and cheap crap. And, for the love of Merlin, Morgana and Mordred! You still don't have a tie!''

''I told you, I don't know where it is! And I refuse to search for it. I'm doing this under threat, and so I don't have to be all prim and proper.''

''Please, please, _please_, do this one thing for me. Please.''

''No.''

''I should've just smacked you and levitated you out of the house while you were unconscious.''

''You can't do that. You're far too skinny for something that hard.''

''This is _magic_ we're talking about, moron.''

''Yeah, well, still. And can't we just, you know, go somewhere _not_ fancy? There's this awesome bar Lysander and I went to, it's really great. They serve the _best_ raisin dumplings there, and they have that sissy beer you love so much.''

''No, we can't. This will be a date, you hear me? In all the years we've been together, we have never went on a single date. Isn't that just pathetic?''

''Not really. I mean, I love you, you love me, what's there to prove?''

''Aw, if it wasn't just an attempt at getting out of our date, that would be sweet. Now stop stalling and get in that suit. Do you even know how hard it was to buy that thing? It took me four hours just to find a nice tailor.''

''Yeah, well maybe that was a sign that should've told you how much this would _suck arse_.''

''I don't care, _put it on_.''

''You're so mean, baby. I have no idea why I let you get away with this.''

''Excuse me, why _you_ let me _get away_ with this? If I recall correctly, _I'm_ the one who should be complaining.''

''Isn't that exactly what you do most of the time?''

''You know what, you thrice damned dimwit, I'm going without you. I'm going to a nice restaurant, in a sexy dress, I'll order the most expensive meal available and the biggest dessert, and _you'll be paying for it_. And when I come back, you'll be sleeping in the guest room. That's the only thing you deserve, you self-serving bastard!''

''Oh come on, baby! I'm – sorry. Right, that went well.''

* * *

><p><em>Dear Dom, <em>

_Look, baby, I'm really sorry about last night. I am, honest._

_It's just, damn, but I don't know how to act in places like that, and my trip to Nepal was cancelled, and I took it out on you. That was a horrible, horrible thing to do and I should be on my knees begging for forgiveness, but since I'm at Lysander's right now, that's… right. But this isn't about that, this is about how badly I treated you last night._

_I will do anything to make it up to you. I swear. Want another dress? A nice quality one? Bam, baby, it's yours. But you'll have to go buy it, I still don't see the difference. But anyway._

_About that date… I'm willing to go to another fancy place and wear a monkey suit or whatever those muggle things are. _

_Just, please don't be too angry with me._

_Yours, Lorcan._

* * *

><p><em>You stupid bastard!<em>

_You think a dress will fix what's wrong with us? Well, I got news for you, it won't. It does nothing for the fact that we're completely different, that I'm thirty two years old and still unmarried, that I still rely on my father's money to help with the stuff around the house, and that we don't even have a cat!_

_When you figure out a way to fix that, then I'll let you back in the house. Until that, stay out._

_Dominique._

* * *

><p><em>So this is about me not proposing?<em>

_Baby, I swear, I'll buy you the biggest rock on this side of the planet if that's what you want! And a cat? I'll buy you a puppy! They're way better than cats! Less claws and more hugs. And who cares about our differences? We're happy together, that's all that matters. Your father is also very glad you rely on him. It makes him feel needed in his old age._

_I love you, baby, and don't you forget it._

_Lorcan._

* * *

><p><em>You can come back in the house, but you're still sleeping in the guest room. And it's not about the marriage thing!<em>

_Dominique._

* * *

><p>''Hey, so um, everything okay now?''<p>

''Yeah, we're fine. Now get in before I lose my patience and slam the door in your face.''

''Yup, we're okay. Oh, I almost forgot! Want to go to that new place near Dublin? Jamie says they have the most _awesome_ fish there!''

''The one that looks like a garden? With the flowers?''

''Yeah, that's the one!''

''No. I'm allergic to geraniums. We can go to that bar you spoke of. The one with raisin dumplings.''

''Oh sure. Want to go now or-''

''Tomorrow.''

''Right, tomorrow. Can I-''

''No. you're still in the guest bedroom.''

**Please tell me all about your thought and opinions, they make me all warm and fuzzy inside. And, to paraphrase another writer, I'm a review whore. Review and I'll give you whatever you want.**

**Unedited.**

**Unbetaed.**


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